In the annals of baffling financial decisions, Donald Trump’s latest policy move may one day rival the most infamous. Historians may yet look past his double presidential victories and instead focus on a unique achievement: managing to bankrupt multiple casinos in the 1990s. A feat so improbable, it feels like the setup to a joke.
Now, as president once more, Trump is testing whether he can similarly bankrupt the global economic order—this time via sweeping tariffs calculated, allegedly, with the assistance of a ChatGPT-style AI.
“Liberation Day” or Just Another Episode of Economic Fantasy?
Dubbed “Liberation Day” (also known as the “Declaration of Economic Independence”), the announcement took place in the White House Rose Garden. Standing behind a podium, Trump laid out the new tariff regime in full theatrical flourish, appearing as if someone had taken an indoor makeup routine and let it loose in broad daylight.
The president, who once obsessed over TV ratings and stock markets, has now pivoted to simpler measures: trade balances in goods and symbolic “economic independence.” But the stock market didn’t appreciate the drama. The day after the announcement, the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped a staggering 1,679 points. The cause? A fear-ridden response to the uncertain implications of the new tariffs.
Adding to the absurdity, the Wall Street opening bell was rung by staff from Newsmax and Rudy Giuliani—a moment of symbolism that didn’t go unnoticed.
Artificial Intelligence: The Policy Advisor?
Reports suggest the tariff model wasn’t developed by seasoned economists, but generated using an AI chatbot similar to ChatGPT. The administration insists the tool was merely “supplemental,” but the market reaction indicates anything but confidence.
UBS Global Wealth Management’s chief economist commented, “When the US sneezes, the global economy catches a cold. This isn’t sneezing. This is the US cutting off its own arm.”
Even seasoned analysts are left wondering: Is the administration engaging in deliberate chaos to force negotiations, or has policy development entered an era of algorithmic roulette?
Trump Heads to the Golf Course
As global markets teeter, Trump himself has departed Washington to host a LIV Golf tournament at one of his Florida resorts. The event, backed by Saudi interests, is set against a backdrop of falling oil prices and rising international tensions—neither of which appeared to trouble the president.
Before leaving, Trump compared the US economy to a patient who had survived major surgery: “The operation is over. The patient lived, and is healing. The prognosis is that the patient will be far stronger, bigger, better and more resilient than ever before.”
The statement echoed something from The Simpsons’ Dr. Nick Riviera, as if America’s economy were now under the care of a cartoon physician.
“Stock Market? We Don’t Talk About That”
The White House now avoids referencing the stock market, once Trump’s favorite performance metric. After the crash, there’s little appetite for celebrating economic indicators. Yet, some within Trump’s orbit remain defiant.
Eric Trump posted on X: “The first to negotiate will win – the last will absolutely lose. I have seen this movie my entire life.” Notably, Eric left out the part where the movie includes multiple bankruptcies, failed business ventures, and now, perhaps, a recession.
UK Reaction: A Poke and a Smile
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has offered no public protest to the 10% tariffs applied to UK goods. According to Trump, Starmer is “very happy” about it. Silence, apparently, is complicity—or diplomacy, depending on one’s perspective.
Meanwhile, political and economic leaders globally are scrambling to interpret the rationale—or lack thereof—behind the new tariffs, while preparing for retaliatory trade measures.
Exit Elon? Musk Rumors Add to Turbulence
Amid the tariff chaos, reports surfaced that Elon Musk may soon exit his government advisory role as head of the “Department of Government Efficiency.” The denial was swift, but unconvincing.
A potential Musk farewell party has already sparked speculation: budget beer, no cups, and perhaps the president’s makeup artist spraying Bud Light into attendees’ mouths. “Government efficiency,” indeed.
Conclusion: A River That Flows One Way
To paraphrase an early scene in Yellowstone, “the gambler’s money is like a river—flowing one way.” Trump’s economic river appears to be one of uncertainty, AI misadventure, and reckless policy, flowing straight into global markets.
As Marina Hyde concludes: “Buy shares in paddles today.”
